I had just come in from a full day of nursing school. My mother in law was at my house on Cross Street in Vidalia keeping Addison for me while I was at school. Jim was in Missouri working. I pulled up a chair and plopped down in it outside by the trampoline. Addison had summoned me to the back yard to watch her newest tricks. She was rolling all around and I remember giggling at her hair as it was standing on ends from the static. The weather was pleasant. I had on purple scrubs and my feet were tired just from being on them and being pregnant I guess. As I watched my precious girl laugh and flip around, something was stirring in my soul. The feeling had been there since the day before but it just seemed to be growing. My mind told me it was just my heart missing Jim. We never do well apart from one another. My mother in law left and Addison and I finally ended up going inside to figure out what we would have for supper. While digging through the fridge to see what we had, the phone rang. My heart skipped a beat before I even saw the caller ID and I had no idea why.
"Hello?"
Dad: "Baby?"
"What's wrong"
Dad: "What do you mean? Have you talked to someone?"
"No! Is Pappaw ok? Dad don't tell me he is dead. Please..."
Dad: "We are at the hospital"
"How bad is it? Why hasn't anyone called me!!! What is going on?"
Dad: "Baby, I'm sorry. I knew you had tests today and we thought we would be in and out fairly quickly.... I'm sorry... Pappaw has a virus or something... He threw up a lot last night and refused to let mammaw call the ambulance. After a while, she knew she had to. They are trying to get his blood pressure back up...."
"WHAT HOSPITAL???"
Dad: "Regional"
"I'll head that way as soon as Mom gets here to keep Addi. I love you"
.....it only took mom about 30 minutes but it felt like 2 days. During this time Addi says "Is Pappaw ok? I want to see him Momma" .... you see, they were best friends. Like, the real deal.
Before we go on, let's back track. I cannot write it all so I will skim the surface.
This is my Pappaw (and me and Jeff) ------>
He looks a little geeky right? Hehe. That happened to be one of my most favorite things about him. My Pappaw was a hard working man. He worked from sun up til sun down his entire life and allowed my precious Grandmother to stay home and raise four children and later grandchildren. This man was a straight shooter. He was set in his ways and in his beliefs and he did not waiver from them. He had a certain amount of innocence to him that I have always admired. He knew right from wrong and tried his best to stay on the right side of things. He was never a drinker, never a partier, and never loved any woman the way a man loves a woman other than his wife, my precious Grandmother. He didn't always do things perfectly. Who does? He seemed stubborn at times which we all are. He loved to look nice. No matter what the occasion, he wanted his clothes pressed (to my generation, in papaw lingo, that means ironed) and he was going to match. I am not referring to work, of course. He insisted on having a shower and having his hair combed just right before ever leaving the house. He never had a bald spot....not one...even after chemo.
This man loved me and I knew it.
There's that denim get-up. As a kid, this is how I remember Pappaw most of the time. He was a welder. He had these funny floppy welder hats that I always liked to try on. He would make funny faces and funny noises and chase me around the house with those silly things all wop-sided on his head. He had a big nice shop beside the house where he worked and kept things. There's a big chain that hangs down and will slide the length of the building. I loved when he would take a break and call me over there to the shop. He would put a 2x4 board on it and make a swing. I can see that grin right now looking down at me while he said "ready?" "YES!" I would squeal! Then I would go flying down to the other side of the shop. Such sweet times that linger in my thoughts so many days...
So, like most kids, I grew to be a teenager and soon moved off to college. I still loved my pappaw, of course, but my life was too busy now. Not to mention I was doing things that I knew would disappoint him so I kept my distance. On those fast weekends home I would swoop in to visit for a few minutes and he never once did anything but make me feel welcome. Looking back, I know his feelings were hurt. Where did his little girl go? Why had she gotten so off track? What could he do to save her? He was pretty quiet most visits but he was always gentle and loving towards me. He always hugged me and told me how much he loved me before I left. He always told me to call. I didn't ever call during those days. There is no sense in regretting all of that though...Praise God, I got another chance to make it right.
In 2008, I lived in Monroe LA and I was on a highway to hell. The partying and wild living was out of control. To make a long and sad story short, I ended up pregnant. I told my parents and drove home the next weekend to tell my Grandparents. The whole way home I was sweating. A million things went through my head. So many times I though that I would literally rather sever a limb than go over there and tell the two most precious people in my life that I had done the ultimate wrong. I even asked my mom to tell them for me! Coward? Yes! Of course she would not do that. So, I finally mustered up the courage to go over there. I was sitting on the bar stool and I cannot remember exactly what was said but some how I just blurted it out..."IM PREGNANT! and I am SO SORRY. Please forgive me! Please don't hate me...." And the floodgates opened. I was sobbing uncontrollably. Mammaw was holding her head in her hands silently. I didn't want to turn around to face Pappaw. When I finally did, he was staring at me and tears were streaming down his face. I didn't utter another word.
"Come here baby", he finally said. I all but ran to him. I remember a long period where he just held on to me and we both cried. My mammaw finally made her way to the living room and sat in the big rocker. It didn't take long before she was on my other side and they were both clutching me tightly and sobbing. Pappaw was the first to speak again....
"Baby, there is nothing in this world that you could ever do to make us stop loving you. You are our granddaughter and we love you more than you could ever imagine. This is going to be really hard. Life is not going to be easy from here on out....but we are going to help you any way we can....and we are going to love this baby just like we love you!"
I could breathe. It was going to be ok.
And when Addison Faith Faulkner entered this world, she snatched Pappaw's heart right out of my hands and he was hers.
Mammaw and Pappaw kept Addi while I was at school. There would be many nights that we both stayed the night with them just because we didn't want to leave their company. See, during that time that I was pregnant, I had to move home and I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. I didn't go out anymore (obviously) and my friends were beginning to dwindle. I got back in church and God brought me to my knees. I was baptized during that time and got on fire for God. God nudging me to cherish my time with my grandparents was one of the many things He showed me during that time. I had so much fun with them! Me and Pappaw watched the ID channel until we had seen almost every episode. We looked through every country magazine that came over and over again until I found that needle! haha. And I can close my eyes and see him giggling because I couldn't find it. I would lay on the couch and listen to Pappaw's stories. He loved talking about where he was from and all the things he had seen and I loved hearing about it. I began to understand him in ways that other people never did. I saw his precious heart that he was always wearing on his sleeve. I missed him terribly if Addi and I didn't go over and visit for a day or so. Like I said, we always had fun.
Then one day Pappaw mentioned he wasn't feeling well. He had picked up a part time job welding again and he was chalking it up to being old and on the job. Well, the bad feeling didn't go away. As time went on and doctor visits came...we found out that he had a tumor. A big one. It was in his stomach and wrapping around organs...and yes...it was cancer.
No! No! No! Please God, I thought, do not take him from me now. I need him! I need someone that I know loves me unconditionally so bad. Please do not take him from me. After much thought and prayer, the family decided that he should be treated in Tennessee. My Aunt Lisa lived there and could help take care of him after recovery from the major surgery he was going to have and the doctors there were great. I can close my eyes and taste the meal we had the day they left. We ate at Bellemont Shake Shop in Natchez and I can feel his touch like he is sitting right here with me right now. I felt like I was going to die but I knew it had to be this way.
So we said our goodbyes and watch them drive away....8 hours away. Even though I was in nursing school full time, I still made that drive every time that I could. My Aunt Lisa and her family were taking such good care of him and Mammaw and I was so thankful. I was itching to get to him every chance I could. I made him a picture album of me and Addison before he left and it stayed in his room right beside him. When we would talk on the phone, he always told me that he looked at it frequently. And much later on, when he got to come back home, it stayed by his bedside at all times.
Visiting at Aunt Lisa's once he finally got out of the hospital. This is my cousin, Allison, with Addi and Pappaw.
So fast forward some... Pappaw comes home and I get to see him every day again. We made it a point to tell one another how much we loved one another. He told me time and time again how proud he was of me for going to school and raising Addison the way that I was. He complimented me on changing my lifestyle and living for Jesus. He always encouraged me with kind words when I felt that things were not going fairly. He built up my self esteem when people we knew had ugly things to say about me. He trusted me. He knew my heart. He saw the good in me even when other people couldn't. He loved my child with every piece of himself. He knew she was a special girl from the get go. He prayed for me nightly. He always told me I was pretty. He wasn't afraid to tell me when he thought I was wrong because he wanted the very best for me. He loved me and I knew it...every minute of every day. And I loved him....I love him...so very much.
Then Jim came :) Pappaw thought it was all happening way too fast! He didn't know how sure he was about all of it. I mean I just met this guy and I am already talking about marrying him within a week. My Pappaw was NOT wired that way. He was not spontaneous by any means. haha. But I told him how much I loved him and how I knew this was God moving in my life and how it was so perfect for me and Addison. So after getting to know Jim and a couple of talks, I got his blessing :) We moved the wedding up because Pappaw was getting weaker and I knew my time was running out. I had a choice, a small get together wedding with my pappaw there, or a big fancy wedding a few months later with the possibility of him not being there. Pssshh...easy choice. Small (and perfect) it was...
Pappaw was getting sicker. He looked sicker. He was cold all of the time...I mean really cold. Like, wearing gloves in the house cold. I gave him his chemo shot once a month and it killed me. I went to the back to compose myself every single time before I gave it. It was a huge 18 g needle and he didn't have much meat on his bones anymore. He knew it was hard for me. I remember one time he acted like he passed out just to mess with me. He wobbled his knees and acted like he was falling down just to get a laugh. He did that for me. I love him so bad. As the months went on he had to have blood several times. His blood pressure was bottoming out at times and he was getting weaker. He told me many times that he was tired of fighting this monster. The cancer was spreading....
January 23, 2013
I took this picture on the way to school that morning. The caption read "God is calming my soul". I didn't know why that morning but I knew God was pouring out his goodness in my heart and soul. I never once thought something was going to happen to Pappaw. Yes he had cancer, and yes it was spreading, but he hadn't been given a time frame or anything. I had been at his house the night before picking and laughing with him. He was ok. I still had time.
WRONG
So, after the phone call with dad, mom showed up and I raced straight to the hospital. Nothing could have prepared me for that night. When I walked in I noticed the position of the bed and immediately remembered what I had been taught in school. This position was a last ditch effort to make someone's blood pressure come back up. He had on an oxygen mask and his vitals were bad. I noticed the heavy duty antibiotics that were hung and knew right off the bat that they must believe he was septic or they wouldn't have hung it. I touched him and he was hot. This only confirmed my prior assumption.
"Pappaw can you hear me? I'm here now. I'm not leaving you" ... and I didn't.
My grandmother was exhausted. She was up with him the entire night before and had been at the hospital all day. Through labored breathing, the sound of the monitors, and the background noise, I heard him tell Mammaw to go home and rest. She was reluctant. I told her I would stay. It was very apparent that she needed rest and she needed it badly. So they left and it was just me and Pappaw. Even though the rest of the family had hope that he was going to make it through this, the holy spirit was softly making me aware that he was not. I stood by him and clutched his hand tightly. I asked him what I could do for him and all he wanted was ice chips. I only let go of his hand to get something for him and then grabbed it right back again. See, Pappaw always loved holding my hand. When we sat together on his couch visiting, we always held hands. I watched the monitor and could feel and hear my heart beating in my throat. As the night drew on, his heart rate was slowing. I climbed into that hospital bed with him and held him as close as I could. I told him how much he meant to me. I told him that he was the best man in my life until I met Jim. I told him that he made me feel loved when no one else could. I told him jokes and, bless his heart, he would muster up a tired little chuckle in between those long, drawn out, labored breaths. Sometimes when he couldn't answer, he would just squeeze my hand really hard to let me know he was hearing what I was saying. When things would get quiet he would say things like "You are having me another little girl in July". See, I wanted a boy SO BAD but Pappaw wanted it to be a girl from the very start. He was tickled to death when we found out it was a girl just two short weeks before this. Through the night, his vitals continued to drop and I knew these were my last few hours with him. I knew that he knew he was dying. Something in my spirit was telling me. I reminded him that he was going to see my uncle Tommy at the gates. His eldest son, my Uncle Tommy, had passed away and Pappaw had talked to me so many times about seeing him again. I fed him ice chips. I rubbed his arms and ran my fingers through his hair. I sang to him. I made sure to put lip balm on his lips because they were so dry from the dehydration. I relived funny stories that we had talked about so many times. ..
As the early morning came, I noticed my classmates filing into the hospital. My class was doing clinical rounds in ICU and one of my friends had Pappaw as a patient. Once of my instructors, who I love and admire, was there too. I knew the time was coming that I would have to call Mammaw and Dad and tell them that I thought this was the end. Right before my instructor told me to "call the family" Pappaw had said the last words I ever heard him say... "Get Momma". Mammaw and Pappaw always called one another Momma and Daddy. They are so cute. I called and they were already on their way. Mammaw and the other close family members that live here rushed our way and got there just in time. Here's the thing... my amazing Pappaw waited all night long for my Mammaw. He wanted her to rest because he was worried about her. I watched him hang on to life by a thread for HOURS until she got there. She touched him and kissed him and said "I'm here baby". That's what he wanted. That's what he needed. Shortly after, we all watched him draw his last breath. I held his hand when he took his last breath on this earth and saw Jesus Christ face to face. It is the most precious thing you could ever imagine.
I cannot believe it's been a year since I have heard his voice. I cannot believe I have another baby that I know he would adore with his whole heart. I wish I could call him every day and tell him about this crazy road runner life we live! I wish I could explain to Addison to where she would understand that she held the keys to his heart. I wish I could touch him just one more time. But I can wish all day long and the fact still remains that he is gone. He is gone to a much better place. He is in paradise where cancer does not exist. He is praising God and healthy as a horse :) He is pain free. And the best part is, when my time on earth is through, I will meet him at those pearly gates and wrap my arms around him. I'm not sure if I will ever let go :)
I love you Pappaw
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